Empire: Total War Journal - Maratha Confederacy, 1703 - 1704

As the Sauron of India, I turned my eyes of conquest to my Southern neighbors, the Mysore. They are allies of the Mughal Empire, and I cannot afford to have them sitting amidst my realm, poised like a dagger at my lightly defended homeland.  They must fall.

The Mughals are not led by anything close to a military genius (though, neither are the Marathas, come to think of it.) The muslims seem to have embraced the "March Divided" aspect of military strategy, but seem unable to pull off the "Fight United" clincher. This allows my northern army the ability to crush the Mughal's piecemeal in the summer of 1704.

This gives my southern forces the breathing room they need to lay siege to Mysore controlled Goa. The siege begins that summer, as I spent the winter of 1703 training Hindu Swordsmen to aid the fight against Mysore's antiquated military. The Mysore might not have much in the way of guns, but there is little a muzzle-loaded rifle will do for you when a screaming, bearded dervish is in your face with a sharp saber- the lesson the Portuguese must have learned for themselves a year before. So a few hundred mustached sword-arms are just what Goa needs.

These generals appear to be twins.

 I lay siege but I do not press the attack. I hope to force the Mysore forces to sally from Goa. This will give my troops a better chance of getting off a salvo of rifle-fire before the Mysore blades are at their throats. I get my wish, and the Mysore immediately sally- putting me into battle with 1000 fewer men than my enemy.

I intersperse my riflemen with swordsmen, so when the enemy melee units inevitably come charging in, my own melee troops can charge out to stop them from getting to the gunners. I have to stop my riflemen from shooting into the melee for fear of killing my own troops, so I started ordering my musketeers into melee anyway to club themselves a few foes.

Above: Inevitably, the enemy troops break and flee before the determination of my veteran troops. This general and these men have seen many battle against the Mughals, and the Mysore have seen but one. It is a slaughter. My non-committed riflemen circle around the enemy lines and fire massive volleys into the sides of the remaining enemy melee units.

After that, only knife work remained. The survivors limped back to Goa, and I'll finish them off quickly on my next turn. Mysore itself soon to follow.

What is with EVE Online? It sucks.

One some website or other, I noticed that EVE Online had released yet another expansion for their game. EVE Online expansions are unique in the MMORPG world in that they don't really add much to the game at all. But still, like fools who watch the next romantic comedy release expecting something different- I signed up for a free trial and headed back into space.

The thing about EVE is that it isn't a fun game. Inferno, the new "expansion," does not change this simple fact. You still have almost no control over your own ship, and your character advances by- well, not doing a damn thing. You can advance one skill at a time, and your character will learn it whether you are logged in or out. This might seem cool at first, until you realize that everyone that started playing before you will forever be ahead of your in skill and advantage. Awesome.

Yes, that is right. I will learn the Hull Upgrades V skill in another 6 days and 22 hours. But when I first started it was 8 days! I'm leveling up!

Barf.

That's what this game is. A collection of barf from every other game in existence. Every noob pwner, every griefer, every general dumb-ass jack-ass that has every logged into a multiplayer game has concentrated into the roughly 20,000 people who religiously play EVE Online. Because when those people play other games- they find something that works and they use that, and when some game change happens where another player can use skill to defeat that single strategy they know: they bitch and whine and run off to some other game. And EVE Online is the end of the line.

Combat never changes. The same gate-camping bullshit that worked 5 years ago is still good now. And the best part? If some noob starts playing the game 5 years after you do, they will forever be 5 years less good than you. Player skill be damned.

Player skill? Oh, I forgot- there is no player skill in EVE Online. There are a few tricks of the trade on angling your ship- a few hot-keys and shortcuts that the insignificant permanent population of this game passes off as actual skill. But it's not. It never was. It was, and is, and always will be in EVE the price tag of your items. Pay more. You win. Pay less. You die.

Unless of course you travel in a large pack. But that is what is known as zerging/ganking, and anyone who thinks that involves skill is even more idiotic than the average EVE fanatic. \

Now this game can look pretty. Your spaceship flies majestically out of a giant deep-space station. Until you finally realize that each part of the game is just a giant empty space with a 360 degree Hubble background pasted to it. A few 2D planets float by. I love when you warp right through them like they are paper-mache`.

I still remember when EVE Online launched 10 years ago. 10 years. It was a flop. Everyone hated it. But a few souls realized it's potential as a sandbox. And a sandbox is just another way to say a place where assholes can be dicks and no one can do anything about it. (See: GTA series.) Well, the game still sucks, and there is still no real reason to play it. And every minute that ticks by, you fall even more behind in the game, and no matter how much you play or how much learn or how much effort you put into EVE, you will always be weaker and lesser than those who started paying money before you.

If that sounds good to you- enjoy. I'll go play a game that is actually fun.

Empire: Total War Journal - Maratha Confederacy 1701 AD - Summer 1703 AD

Well, my initial boast that I would take India by 1705 seems pretty silly now. Despite more victory on the field of battle- logistics and economics continue to hassle me. I cannot push as fast as I desire, and I spend a great deal of time consolidating my position in Southern India. This will pay in the long run, as I lay the foundation to my inevitable domination of the subcontinent.

In the Summer of 1701, the half-starved remnants of the Mughal raiding party rampaging through Bijapur fall upon the rice farms on the eastern seaboard. My 1st army falls upon them like a spring storm, leaving their emaciated corpses to fertilize the next crop. Unfortunately in the ocean, a small Mughal fleet destroys my single sloop, removing my trade barrier to the Mughals. I'll need to build more pirates. And better ones.

Also of note for the summer, I am able to reach trade agreements with the 13 Colonies of the New World. It is an advantageous trade, as most of the European powers refuse to trade with me unless I give them Indian soil. Rather annoying to try and open a mutually beneficial trade agreement and suddenly Sweden offers you Norway in exchange for the richest province in the known world. Yeah, Swede... good deal. Asshole.

In the winter of 1701, I lay siege to Hyderabad, the Mughal capital of the south. I probably should have simply assaulted the city, as it was weakly defended. But I still thought I was playing Medieval: Total War and feared attacking a walled city without more siege equipment. Little did I know that a single blast from my cannons would open a gaping hole in a matter of moments.  So I needlessly delay, and meanwhile recruit more soldiers and work on the infrastructure of my lands.

Summer 1702: The siege continues. However, Mysore, my southern non-combatant neighbor, conquers the Portuguese in Goa. This means there is a suddenly rich Mughal ally in my backyard. After Hyderabad falls, I resolve to immediately turn and crush these traitors. I fear they will soon attack my loosely guarded southern front, but if I can hold the Mughals with my 2nd Army, my 1st should be able to demolish the Mysore state in two or three years, giving me full control of half of India. And the good part of India, too.

In the winter, the defenders of Hyderabad sally forth and I effortlessly slaughter them to the last man. So in the summer of 1703, the few armed mobs that remain to defend are swept aside to bring Hindu rule back to Hyderabad. Meanwhile, my 1st army then defending Ahmadauger is defeated by a Mudhal force half its size. That will teach me to auto-resolve battles....

Memo-to-Me. Behead the General of 1st Army.

So, in the Winder of 1704, I prepare to launch a southern offensive against the Mysores. Following a victory there, I plan to send a small army north along the coast from Ahmadauger. The next province north is the final tie the Mughals have with the trade lanes of the world, and I mean to cut them off from that valuable economic boon.

Total War Journal - Maratha Confedracy 1700 AD

Every once in a while, I get these... urges.  I feel like what I have just isn't enough, and what those people have over there looks pretty nice. At these times, some version of strategy finds itself on my computer, and this time it is Empire: Total War.


Empire: Total War Journal - Maratha Confederacy - 1700 A.D.

 In history, the fledgling Hindu state of the Maratha Empire succeeded in wresting Southern India from the Islamic Mughal Empire by 1707. Seven years is pretty good, but I am an ambitious man. There are riches to be had outside India, and I have the Europeans to compete for them. It is my goal to eradicate the Mugals from India entirely by 1710. The use of extreme facial hair will aid my cause.

And thus did the Hindu 'stache cast off the Islamic beard.

My starting position in 1700 is not as strong as I would wish. I own two provinces of Southern India. The Mughal armies are already on my land, and foreigners hold Indian soil.  The slimy Dutchmen hold Sri Lanka, and the bastard Iberian race that the Spanish should long ago have crushed, the Portuguese, are my neighbors on the west coast.

The red color is a minor faction which will also be dealt with in time. Yet for now, the war against the Mugals continue and all else must wait.

The Muslims seem totally off guard. Their armies are small and their provinces are lightly defended. So in the hopes of drawing one of their armies back to their own territory, I launch an assault on the city of Ahmadnagar to the north. It is lightly defended by mortor cannon and armed peasants. Meanwhile, my few units of musketeers and hindu swordsmen are supported by 400 light horse.

It is a simple slaughter. My swordsmen literally walk up to the enemy artillery and cut their throats. The unruly Muslim mob is armed with antiquated flint-locks, so my swordsmen eat them up as my cavalry charges in from the flanks.

The Mugals flee the field- leaving behind 3000 of their countrymen dead and dying in the dry grass. The city is mine. So I turn my mind to economics.

India is a rich land, but sadly has never been wisely exploited by its own people. I mean to change that. However, there is little for me to do at the moment. Many of the resources at hand can only be exploited by scientific technologies that I do not yet possess. So I set to work learning those.

Meanwhile, I open trade with France to increase revenue, and begin building a fledgling navy to pillage the trade lanes enjoyed by the Mugals in the north.

Winter 1700

My conquest of Ahmandnagar did not draw the invading Mughal army north as I had hoped. Instead, it pillages Bijapar, destroying farmland, a bustling town, and one of my trading ports. This sets my already weak economy back several turns. Damn Mughals. I bring my second army down on them from the east and crush them. The following summer, I will finish pushing the survivors into the sea. Meanwhile, my northern army leaves Ahmandnagar to engage another Mugal army in the field. Slaughter really is the best medicine.

So at the end of one year, I have conquered one Mughal city and nigh eliminated all Mughal military presence south of Hydrabad. At this rate of resistance, India may well be mine by 1705.

Review: Portal 2 (Single-Player)

The successor to the surprise genius found in Valve's Orange Box, Portal 2 is a triumph; An excellently designed puzzle game that has no peer. The various tools and elements required to solve each puzzle increase in difficulty at a perfect pace, and then just as you start to tire of one particular thing, you are introduced to a fresh game mechanic that mixes up the entire formula. The signature dark, dry humor of the first game returns with a flourish, topped with delightful characters who will have you laughing every step of the way. Whenever you open a "greatest games list" in the next twenty years, Portal 2 will be in the top ten.

There really isn't anything else that needs to be said.