WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: The Echo Isles (Troll start)

Like the gnomes, the trolls gained their private starting zone thanks to Cataclysm. Instead of starting in the Valley of Trials with the orcs, Vol'jin has re-established the Dark Spear tribe on the Echo Isles. In the previous version of World of Warcraft, the Echo Isles were a level 6-8 area for new characters emerging from the Valley. The new version of the area does a great job of establishing a new player into a storyline, and a few original quest ideas make it a fun to play.

Zalazane has been killed, and now a large Darkspear lodge stands were only ruins and huts were before. After some basic training, young trolls will meet Vol'jin himself, and get some insight on the local political changes within the Horde. Then you are sent off to battle naga led by the sea witch who killed Vol'jin's father. On the way, an eager young NPC troll follows you around, aiding you in battle.  He adds a bit of humor to your quests, causing a few chuckles as you defend the new troll homeland.

The capstone quest is another assassination-of-a-leader deal; however, players have the privilege of fighting beside Vol'jin himself, turning the quest into a sort of interactive cinema. It makes you feel a real part of the game world, and to me, that is pretty cool.

Eager with my first trials as a troll, I'm ready to see what changed in the rest of arid Durotar.

Plants vs. Zombies

I avoided the tower defense genre for as long as I could. As a rule, I found these games to be particularly mind numbing. Then I picked up Plants vs. Zombies and had a fun time, for a while. The cute graphics, the unique concept, and the steady pace of the game make for a few hours of enjoyment, but like all tower defense games, there is a huge lack of variety, and I became bored quickly with the predictable levels and repetitive gameplay.

Zombies want your brains. It's a fact. And they are prepared to take a page from the Sand People's play book and always march in single file (to hide their numbers) to get it. Luckily, you have a plethora of projectile shooting plants to ward off undead teeth from your delectable noggin. That is PvZ's gameplay at its core. Zombies are coming, you plant plants, and then the zombies doggedly attempt to weather the tireless botanic barrage. Some zombies have buckets on their heads. Some wear football gear. Some float towards you like some resurrected Hindenburg. Oh the humanity.

This picture sums up the entire game.

At first, this is entertainment enough, but about halfway through the game, the repetition of planting sunflowers for sun-power (currency to buy plants), then low level plants, then collecting more sun-power for more powerful plants becomes dull. Even in the most hectic of zombie blitzes a single explosive plant will be required for a particularly concentrated group of zombies, but for the most part, your artillery line of plants is more than capable of destroying anything that comes your way. By the end of the third stage, despite the complication of an added swimming pool and zombies with inflatable ducky rings, I was forcing myself to continue playing. Though the zombie dolphins were kind of cool. I think the Sy-Fy channel (or whatever the hell it's called now) should take that idea and run with it.

But while you are playing, the game's music and sound effects set a lighthearted mood, and the music is good enough that you never feel the need to mute it. After a while, your brain starts to filter it out anyway. Is that a good thing? I don't know. The game responds well to your mouse, making the gameplay feel quick and crisp. No dragging when it comes to doing the ashes to ashes bit. Gamers expect that from PopCap, though; always solid design from them. The Bioware or Blizzard of the bite-size games.

Replay value is pretty solid, if you happen to be a person who loves tower defense and can do the same thing over and over. Or you happen to be Sisyphus and want a change of pace in your eternal torment. There are various challenge modes, survival modes, and even some mini-games where you take care of your plants in gardens to get more money. Money is used to purchase various special plants and certain powerups to be used while fighting off the ravenous hordes of the previously living. But none of these are really necessary because the zombies don't stand a chance anyway.

Plants vs. Zombies is a great game if you happen to need ten minuets of your life to pass quickly and painlessly, but it's not built for a marathon session. It's even better if you can borrow a friends computer and play the game for free. But if you want the game for yourself, I would recommend waiting until it becomes very cheap because there isn't a whole lot of entertainment to find after the initial novelty wears off.

Summary: You plant plants. They kill the undead. Do it again. And again. And again.

Score: Wow! This was awesome for about a half an hour!

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Dun Morogh

The cold winds of the mountains are as bitter as ever, but they now carry the smell of gunpowder and blood. The Cataclysm shook the peaks surrounding Ironforge to their roots, and the foul denizens of the areas honeycombed labyrinths now spill out of the tumultuous earth.  The troggs, ape-ish dwarfs, swarmed out like angry bees, driving the ice trolls before them, the lesser evil giving way to the greater. They are now trapped between the blood-thirsty troggs and the grim defenders of Ironforge, giving dwarf and gnome characters a critical role to play in stabilizing the region.

As in the redesigned starting zone, Dun Morogh features a few recognizable quests from the past; however, most quests are entirely new. Instead of running across fields of snow to reach some out-of-the-way cave, players are now hustled like a V.I.P. to battle fronts throughout the zone, and it's always up to you to turn the stagnant tide. These quests are exciting, and they make you feel like a member of a force, of a team effort. It's awesome, to say the least.

Add a dab of political treachery, some bombing runs on a plane, and a fire extinguisher or two, and you have a great play experience. I was level 12 before I knew it. And thanks to the masterfully designed quest-NPCs, I was immediately shuttled off to my next area of adventure, Loch Modan. The boring running from place to place that used to make this zone one of the most boring in the game has disappeared entirely. All my doubts for Blizzard's transformative efforts with their game have vanished with this zone. Good work. Damn good work.

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: The Lost Isles

The goblin fun doesn't stop after the exodus from Kazan. The next section of islands takes goblin characters from level five up to around level 12, and speaking for myself, I never looked at my experience bar the entire time. Every quest on the Lost Isles is introduced with creative quest text, every goal leads seamlessly into the storyline of the stranded goblin race, and the tasks assigned are fun, creative, and sometimes straight up hilarious.

The use of zone phasing, the art of a zone physically changing as players completed quests, is expertly utilized in the Lost Isles. It is clear that everything the WOW design team learned during the design of Wrath of the Lich King is exploited is Cataclysm, and with even greater success. As you quest, your actions have a catastrophic effect on the landscape. Your actions seem relevant, and the world is noticeably affected by your adventures. It's just plain cool!

Another WotLK feature to make it into this zone is the use of fully animated cut-scenes to tell the story. When the goblins first arrive at the Lost Isles, a surprise is waiting for them, and it is a fun reward for making it to the next section of the game. I would love to see more of these, but I know they must be a hefty chunk of megabytes to download.

Altogether,. the Goblin race features the most enjoyable low-level experience for any race, and any player of WOW, new or old, should play through it at least once!

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Island of Kazan (Goblin start)

It's odd that so many people were eagerly awaiting Cataclysm. I mean, usually cataclysms are kinda bad, what with volcanoes erupting, oceans shifting, billions of deaths, that sort of thing. But here I was, impatient for the absolute destruction of the world like everyone else.

Fantasy does weird things to people.

The Island of Kazan is unlike anyplace in Azeroth, except maybe Gnomeregan. It has highways of bolted together sheet metal, a luxury based economy, and hundreds of goblins cruising in their hot rods, drinking soft drinks, and picking up their dubious friends for a night on the town. All of these elements are wrapped together into a sleazy, steam (or rather "smog")-punkish view of loan sharks with delusions of grandeur. The quests are filled with strange goals, often boarding on the ridiculous, and this unpredictability makes the sequence fun and memorable.

In fact, I don't want to do anything to spoil the surprise of these quests, so I'll just try to paint a vague picture. Like someone who sucks at pictionary.

The goblin character is set into the Azeroth at the dawn of new wealth. The lengthy process of walking the walk is over, so now it's time to talk the talk. After stabilizing the source of your profits, you need to jump in your new car, pick up your friends, and buy yourself some expensive clothing. Don't forget to be the hero in the big ball game! You're living the high life, and it feels good. Still, a few people owe you some money, but it's not something you need to worry about. People like that tend to get in fights in back allies and lose, or fall down stairs, you know, accidents; you certainly didn't have anything to do with it. Then, it's party time.

However, you can't go up without pushing someone else back down, and the goblins at the top are practiced in the art. And sometimes, well sometimes fate just isn't going to work with you. Everything you worked for can disappear in an instant, but that's life, and you never know what the next island will bring.

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Coldridge Valley (Dwarf start)

The dwarf starting zone features most of the things I miss about Christmas at home: Roaring fires in the hearth, a hefty mug of thick stout, and the crisp, dry air of a snowy evening. Sadly, the Philippines lacks all these things. The fire is exchanged for an electric fan, the stout for barely passable lager, and cold for oppressive heat. For the first time, Christmas is but a small box on a calender, not a seasonal sensual experience. I long for home.

Anyway, Coldridge Valley is a little different after the cataclysm. Not by much. The troggs are actively attacking Anvilmar now, instead of just aimlessly wandering around and waiting for you to come kill them. Oh, wait.. never-mind, they still do that. In fact, every monster in the entire zone is entirely apathetic to impending death, and equally unfeeling for their companions. Thus, the dwarf start actually became more boring after the cataclysm.

The quests begin as usual in the ring of wagons just outside the dwarven outpost of Anvilmar. A few troggs are charging a defensive line of guards, creating a sense of an attack. However, the troggs are all non-aggressive to players, making the quests for killing them rather placid. Even when I am sent out to kill the leaders of the attack, the supposed officers of the trogg forces seem incapable of seeing me as something they should be attacking.

This makes the quests boring because they just feel like dumb kill quests. If it's a war, make it dangerous! The narrative of the quests are solid, the quests create an atmosphere of a desperate siege, but this is not reflected in the gameplay experience. No one attacks you. Ever. Later quests involve spying on troll soothsayers, but they are laughable because you can walk into the camps of the non-aggressive trolls, listen to their leaders talk about conquering the valley, while simultaneously slaughtering troll whelps one by one in front of them. The soothsayer doesn't even notice it, the other whelps don't even react. You can kill them like sheep, except sheep actually getting frightened by the smell of blood. It's stupid and makes the entire quest-chain seem pointless.

The new quests are simple find-it quests. Go pick up a few artifacts, a few beer kegs, etc. Not exactly exciting. However, they would be more tolerable if the other quests were slightly interesting. Did I mention that most of the quests in this zone are boring yet?

The only aggressive monster is a fire elemental, and he dies without a real fight. And after that, you head out of the valley on a plane. But first you need to gather some more items from Anvilmar. Zzzzzz....

The dwarf start has a few new quests, but none of them are fun. The old quests are now entirely without danger or excitement. Altogether, the starting experience for a dwarf is the worst I have completed so far. I hope Dun Morogh is a major step-up.

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: New Tinkertown (Gnome start)

The gnome starting zone is brand new. Well... half brand new, as the level 3-5 portion is a re-skinned version of the old level 6-8 area for both gnomes and dwarves. The quests are new, and some of them have enough character to be memorable. The writing is excellent, conveying a sense of relevance to the actions of the player even at the beginning of the game. And finally, the "cap" quest even features aggressive enemies, making the gnome start the best of all the races I have played thus far.

A new gnome character begins in the bowels of Gnomeregan, the besieged homeland of the gnomes. Some time ago, the city was invaded by vicious troggs, weird underground apes, and the gnomes set off a nuke in their desperation to kill the invaders. Unfortunately, the troggs only became stronger, and a large portion of the gnomes went insane from the radiation. A few survivors managed to escape to the surface, and just before the Shattering, they returned to retake their homeland.

The gnomish victory was limited, but the small foothold into the irradiated city is where my new gnome rogue found himself. Most of the gnomish quests are basic kill-x monsters affairs, but one of the first quests involves a rescue mission with a trekkish feel (Beam me up!). But only after a short time underground, you are sent through a Willy-Wonka washing machine and shot up to the surface for the second half of the starting quests.

I like the feel of these early quests. The make the player feel special (you survived the radiation when so many did not), and you are immediately assisting at what seems like a critical task. Yes, the first quests are kill quests, but you are killing things attacking your kinsmen. It makes for a better experience than being sent to kill a few boars for their ribs (did all heroes get their start by fetching dinner for lazy NPCs?)

The surface region is almost exclusively kill quests, too, but the feeling of importance conveyed by the earlier quests continued here. However, there is still a bit of variety to be had: One collection quest utilizes an NPC robot pet to collect goo for you. It's fun in a novel sort of way. Another quest sends you down into the old Frostmane Hold to blow some dynamite. It's a cool goal, as it makes you feel like you're changing the world a bit.

Unlike the other races, the gnome quest line has its typical capstone quest in the middle of the chain. So.. I suppose it isn't the capstone, really. Once you kill a named trogg and blow out his tunnel, you must head off to fight the minions of Crushcog. However, after two rather basic kill quests, you leave the gnome starting area for the rest of Dun Morogh. This makes the final two tasks seem more of an epilogue than a part of the full story.

Or perhaps a prologue to the rest of the story?
What do the mountains have to offer? Time to find out!

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Deathknell (Undead start)

I no longer expect to see drastic changes in the starting areas of each race. Thus far, the pattern is a simple re-skinning of the quests that players completed for the last six years. The first zone for the undead fits that description as well. However like the others, there is just enough change to make the experience interesting for experienced players, and a few new quests do improve the area from its past version.

In a noticeable change of pace from the other races I played, a new undead character enters the world a little different than before. Previously, avatars would awaken in the bottom of a crypt, and upon climbing up the stairs to the world of the living, they would meet their first quest giver: the undertaker. Sadly, he never tries to give anyone a choke-hold body slam like he does on television.

In the Cataclysm version, newly raised corpses find themselves in eternal repose before one of the Valkyries from the Wrath of the Lich King expansion, a luminescent blue angel. Upon accepting her quest, she raises the player to life. And then you walk across the cemetery to talk to the undertaker, still working day and night for the Dark Lady. He sends the player on the first quest, a new one, where the player must fetch some items from down in the crypt players used to climb out of. Not particularly exciting, but another NPC accompanies you down, giving the illusion of being a member of a slowly growing army. It's subtle, but it does give the short little errand a bit of pizazz. A similar event occurs in the quest-line's cap quest when you join several other Forsaken for an assault on the old Scarlet camp.You begin to feel like a member of your faction.

After a well-known kill x-amount of monsters quest, the player is instructed to speak with three other recently revived undead. Apparently, many undead have difficulty grasping their new manner of life, and they become confused or terrified of their new existence. The player must counsel these distressed souls. This is accomplished through a brief dialogue with three different NPCs, and each is handling their transformation in a different way. Its a particularly inspired quest, giving the Forsaken the a more tragic feel than the usual dark sinister. It would be more interesting for the player if they were able to choose from a selection of dialogue options rather than just one, but as it is, the quests was one of my favorites to complete. The outcome of the quest also blends nicely into the overall quest-arch because the player meets the characters again a little later on.

Out in scourge infested Deathknell proper, several of the quests remain exactly the same, but the supply box quest has been switched for a body harvest. The NPC that joined your descent into the crypt before now follows you around and collects the corpses you indicate. Soon enough, the undead warrior is staggering under the weight of corpses stacked humorously on his back. It's the same old quest, but the unique animation and ingenuity makes it entertaining despite.

The final change was made to the spider infested gold mine. Like in the tauren starting zone, the spiders are no longer aggressive, making it quite simple for you to run through the entire mine while the boar-sized spiders, supposedly vicious predators, watch placidly. I remember the cave being a source of trepidation when I first encountered it. When the spiders were aggressive, it made me nervous to venture deep inside as I was afraid of being cut off from the surface by a horde of hungry arachnids. That danger made the standard kill x-spiders quest memorable enough that I still remember it today. Now the infested gold mine is more like a petting zoo.

What new perils are to be found in Tirisfall Glades?

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Camp Narache (Tauren start)

The new experience available to newbie Tauren dispels my fears of an ignored Horde. The Cataclysm update to the starting area goes above and beyond that of even the human area. Quests are not simply re-skinned, but entirely redesigned. Only a lack of aggressive enemies hinder the experience.

As in the past, the newly created tauren find his/herself in front of a grim looking chieftain. Yet instead of the usual bonfire, players will find themselves in front of a newly constructed grave offering the ashes of the deceased Greatmother to the sky. It hints at the changes to the area's quest line because in the past players would help the Greatmother with a few chores before killing anything. No more fetching water.

War is on, says the chief, the bristleboars killed the greatmother and are invading the lands of Camp Narache. Time to do work. The first quest rushes the player off to battle with the invading forces, and past the hasty barricade, tauren braves clash with packs of bristleboars. It creates the scene of a war well enough, though none of the boars will ever leave their brawl to fight the player unless they are attacked first. After a standard kill-x boars quest, you will have to free some captives. But since none of the boars are aggressive, this is as easy as a morning dog walk. The quest text explains that the chaos of the battle makes it easy for you to sneak in, so okay... I'll give them that one.

The next quests involve infiltrating the bristleboar camp and killing some gun thieves and some thorn-growers. It sounds exciting, but the fact that none of the boars are aggressive mars the experience. It certainly doesn't feel like a war if you can wander into the opposing camp and kill anyone you want without anyone raising a fuss. Other boars will watch placidly as you maim a baker's dozen of their comrades, even if they are standing close enough to be splattered by the blood. It entirely destroys the atmosphere of war and desperate fighting. It feels more like a day's work at the slaughterhouse.

I would imagine these enemies are not aggressive because new players mind find themselves overwhelmed in the bristleboar camps and thus become frustrated with deaths. However, there are better ways to deal with this. You can either spread the boars out a bit more so they won't pack up on an invader, or you can provide the player with a NPC companion that can heal. It would be better to add the element of risk to the experience and have the potential for player death then to leave the quests as simple as they are now.

Finally, there is the cap quest of killing the leader of the invasion. This quest is better designed than the human one, as the bristleboar leader actually has cool looking guards. He also provides a bit of a challenge (he almost killed me!) This made the experience more believable, but I would still like to see the enemy commander nestled safely behind the front lines of his forces. It seems kind of silly that these NPCs stand off to the side of their army, so players can just walk up to them and assassinate them with little effort or ordeal.

A cool flight sequence brings me to the wider range of Mulgore and greater adventure!

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Northshire Abby (Human start)

During my long history with World of Wacraft, I heard many players complain that the Alliance is favored by the game designers in comparison with the Horde. Being a Horde player myself, I never took these complaints to heart. I enjoyed playing on the Horde immensely. However when I loaded up a new human hunter to get a feel for the changes in the Kingdom of Stormwind, those old complaints may have greater merit than I once thought.

The beginning human pops into Azeroth like always, in front of Northshire Abby with a stern looking soldier waiting expectantly to be clicked upon. In the past, the first quest was to kill a number of troublesome wolves. Now, your mission is to kill some troublesome wargs (wolves commanded by orcs.) It is a minute difference, in fact simply a change from grey wolves to black ones, but in the greater context of the new storyline for the zone, it works quite well.

The Blackrock orcs have blown a new way into the zone from the neighboring highlands, and a full scale invasion is underway. It is up to the new human characters to put a stop to it. The quests are the same as they were before, but like with the wolves, consist of different NPC models. Kabolds have been switched out for goblin assassins, and Defias Footpads are now orcs. These insignificant changes would have been a wash if not for the addition of three new quests (and the fact that the goblin death animation is so amusing I found myself killing a few extra just to keep watching it.)

The first new quest mirrors the one in the Valley of Trials for the Orcs: a simple slaughter of non-aggressive scouts. No big deal there. The second new quest involves reviving fallen Alliance soldiers with the help of a book of Holy Light. This quest is simple, but the NPC who gives it reeks of the evangelical, a nice touch. Also, the animation of resurrection is well done. But the final new quest features a bit of the ingenuity I was hoping for in this new expansion.

The Northshire Vineyards are set aflame by the invading orcs, and it is the player's job to jump in the shoes of Smokey the Bear. Touting an amusing looking gnomish water-pack (looks like the backpack in Mario Sunshine for the Gamecube), the player must put out the raging fires in an effort to save the land for future cultivation. Its easy and fun, making for an excellent early experience for a new player.

The final quest in the chain is to kill a certain special orc in the burned section of the zone. What should be a nice mini-climax is a simple let down because the quest helper points you directly to him (you don't have to search) and he is all by himself. No enemies will get in your way as you trot quickly from the Abby, kill the orc, and trot back. Elapsed time: 20 seconds. I think making this final step more of an ordeal would give it a bit more oomph.

These changes are much more noticeable than the ones in the orcish starting zone. Also, most of the quests feature the new picture window of quest objectives, showing the player what their targets look like. In the Valley of Trials, not a single quest featured this new addition. I can't help but begin to think that the Horde side was given a much hastier glazing over than the Alliance portion. My further adventures should reveal the truth of it.

Northshire Abby has a different feel to it, but the experienced player will quickly discover that the new quests are just the old ones in nicer clothing. Still, the changes are enough to make the area fun again, and new players should have a good time.

Off to the forest!

WOW Cataclysm Zone Review: Valley of Trials (Orc Start)

I have a disease: alt-itis. I cannot keep my attention on a single character in the Blizzard cash-cow, World of Warcraft. As a result, a great deal of my past was spent in the low-level areas of Azeroth.I knew every quest so well, I could accomplish the quests from level 1 to level 6 in around a half-hour for any of the races. At being a noob, I am an expert.

W.o.W's new expansion, Cataclysm, advertised an entirely redesigned low-level experience. In fact, it is this feature which most excited me about the new expansion (though I must say I am excited for the Goblins and Wargen) because I would no longer be bored to tears as I bounced around different characters. My expansive knowledge of the opening sequences for each race will be useful in comparing the past versions of the zones to the Cataclysm versions.

For my first foray back into Azeroth, I chose to create an Orc Mage. The idea of a erudite orc amused me, and I thought of how a fight between an orc arcanist and an orc warrior would begin in a bar. Drinking would commence, someone would spill something, words would be said, and then someone would probably spontaneously ignite into a raging inferno. Nice.

The racial opening cinematic is new, explaining the succession of leadership in the Horde. I became excited for a Valley of Trials equally effected by the passage of time. Then the camera flew to my new orc standing in front of a bonfire I knew quite well. My heart sank.

Outside of small changes in quest text, the Valley of Trials is much as it was these last six years. There are a few new items, noticeably some level 1 human NPCs for a basic kill-x amount of creatures quest, and also some farms were present. However, in these farms are the very same boars I killed before. In fact, only the addition of that one new quest with the humans and a go-find-the-NPC lead-in to the Sarkoth quest are noticeable differences.

Helpfully, the Quest-giving NPCs were re-arranged to promote the same efficiency of tasks that I learned from hard practice (you need to wake up the peons before going into the cave so you have all the quests for that location.) But again, not the drastic change I was hoping for.

The Valley of Trials does the job of introducing new orcs to the harsh land of Kalimdor, but for anyone who explored the area before, there is nothing of particular interest. With an air of disappointment, my orc continued out into the wider lands of Duratar to find greater adventure.

Super Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (SNES 1994)

I might not be cut out for this retro gaming review business. Or I might not be the gamer I used to be. I don't know. But I can't help but think that Lucas Arts and Victor Interactive Software hired warlocks to summon some daemon from the lower levels of hell to help them design this 1994 game. Then, in its infernal cruelty, it disguised its creation with a thin vainer of Star Wars imagery and sound effects. Drawn to the game like flies to the slippery-sweet cup of a flytrap, Jedi fan-boys subject their minds to devious tortures, and they think they enjoy every second of it.

While featuring impressive animation and sound effects when compared to other games of its generation, Super Return of the Jedi fails to provide an enjoyable game experience because of poor level design and mindless enemy placement.

To start: A rarity in early generation action-adventure games, the main characters of Return of the Jedi are able to block; however, this advantage is soured by the placement of enemies in the game world. At any given time, there will be about three enemies attacking you, one from the left, one from the right, and probably one from above for good measure. You can block the attack from in front of you, and you will eat the attacks from the other two direction. This will occur every ten seconds. You will die. You will die a lot. And when you die, you start at the nearest checkpoint, which is usually a great distance away. Replay value is not an issue, as you will enjoy each section of every level perhaps 10 times before you decide to just forget the enemies and jump your away over everything to the next checkpoint.

Another innovative aspect to this adventure game is the ability to pick different characters. This seems like a cool idea, but in function, Luke is the only character you are probably going to want to play. Some of the characters shoot (Han and Chewie), but they can only fire in five directions, and your enemies are nearly impossible to hit with straight-line attacks. Other melee characters are simply a joke when compared to the speed and reach of Luke's lightsaber.

Even with a Game Genie giving you infinite lives, the constant restarting turns the game into a monotonous chore. You'll need infinite shields, too (immortality), to squeeze an ounce of fun out of the experience. But since the levels are designed without any real sense of purpose (the Tatooine level consists of countless stones floating in mid-air?) you can fall to your death at several points in any given level, forcing a restart. So even as an immortal Jedi-god, you have to play the game like Mario, patiently waiting for moving platforms.

Summary: Remember that time you threw your controller against the wall in frustration and broke it? This was probably that game.

Score: If you hate yourself, this game might be a better choice than knives because it doesn't leave visible scars.

Alien vs. Predator (SNES 1993)

Yes, the old days of cartridges and double-digit bits. Not quite the good ole' days, but at least the days when I was young, innocent, and incapable of differentiating quality software from a pile of shit. I think it's fitting that I begin my video game review blog with Alien vs. Predator, a 1993 ghost from Activision. After all, if my first bob for a septic apple comes up with this corn in the log, then surely the rest of the fruit must at least be edible.

I don't remember 1993. Probably because I was six. But when I first loaded up AvP, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was the sort of game that; after waiting all week for a chance to rent a video game on Friday, you leave the video store in a haze of childish excitement to get home, only to get there and discover that you did not, in fact, rent a game, but a strange sort of torture device designed to lure children, and then in the midst of that sore swelling of terrific disappointment building just below your eyes, you wonder if you can convince your parents to take you back to the video store so your weekend wouldn't be a complete loss.

Ah yes, childhood.

Alien vs. Predator is a side-scrolling beat-em-up in the long tradition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Double Dragon, and Battletoads. Due to horrendous gameplay, lazy graphic design, pathetic sound, and utter lack of ingenuity, AvP might deserve the honor of the worst side-scroller ever created for the Super Nintendo.

I will do my best to describe the gameplay; though, I am not entirely sure you can give this... this... thing the title of "game."  Masochistic exercise would probably be more accurate. You play as a Predator, or since there is only one character model, the Predator. You are on Vega 4, and you are hunting Aliens. You can punch Aliens, you can jumpkick Aliens, and you can slidetackle Aliens like some kind of interstellar soccer star. You can also shoot them with your shoulder-cannon. The cannon charges, but a short charge and a long charge do the same amount of damage. You can super charge your cannon, unleashing an ion-strike from the sky frying everything on the screen, even you. The standard life-eating special attack. There are two weapons to pick up, but you throw both of them, and a stealth generator which makes your avatar invisible, forcing you spend most of the powerup time trying to figure out where you are in relation to the enemies, punching the air.

It's about what you would expect from an early beat-em-up like this, but the problem is the game's enemies. There are four of them, and the same attacks you are dodging in the first level will be dodged, by you, on the last level. Though since the Predator can only walk, "dodging" generally means "getting smacked to the ground." The enemies attack the same way every time, ignoring one of their two dimensions (up and down), and often stacking up for a group beat down. At then end of your only combo, the Aliens fly to the ground,  the screen shakes, and then they fly off the screen. You can then slide tackle into the side of the screen to continuously hit the Aliens at no risk. Still, its a slow process, but when you let the Aliens back on screen to give them a chance, the first hit you deliver will send them flying off the screen in the other direction. The entire game turns into a weird version of that smack-the-alligator game at Chuck E. Cheese, each of your foes retreating after the smallest scratch.

The bosses add variety, but they are incredibly cheap. They will destroy you, and there is nothing you can really do about it. Game Genie, the savior of many a day for its ability to turn bad games into loads of fun, is almost a necessity here if you ever want to beat AvP. You will need unlimited lives, as each subsequent boss becomes cheaper than the last; finally reaching the Super Punch Out level when the last boss can take you from full life to death in a single, inescapable combo.

I have a suspicion I might be the first person to beat this game, in the entire world, in the last decade.

The game looks like it was cobbled together with mspaint. The character sprites are clunky and stiff, and they walk past the same background six or more times each level. As I said before, there are only four different enemy models, so the game is as boring to look at as it is to play. To add injury to insult, the screen bounces every time a character falls to the ground, and characters fall to the ground all the time. It's like playing the game in the back of a school bus.

There is little sound to speak of in this title. A few generic punching noises, a crashing fall, and music that your brain quickly filters out in favor of more interesting noises, like the steady hum of an electric fan, for example. The greatest crime is the lack of the trademark alien noise. It's like they didn't even try.

Quick recap: Alien vs. Predator is generic and sub-par in every way.

Score: If it were the only game left in the known universe... read a book.