Review: Contra: Hard Corps (Genesis)

One of my earliest video game memories is of me and my cousin play Contra for the NES.  Most notably, my cousin hurling the controller at the carpet in frustration after incorrectly entering the Konami code for the 10th time. A code we pulled out of a magazine because we didn't have Internet. His parents would gain a 56k modem a few years later. Ahh.. those were the days.

We discovered half-a-day later that we had copied the code down wrong.

Anyway: Being without stable income during my innocent years, I missed a great number of interesting titles for the 2nd generation consoles. One of them: Contra: Hard Corps.  It features the classic death-a-thon gameplay any Contra fan would expect with the added bonus of character selection, the ability to carry multiple weapons, a semi-branching storyline, and some of the most creative boss fights I've ever seen in a 2D shooter. Although, there is a perquisite amount of masochism required to enjoy these features, but that's why sane people look up Game Genie codes for infinite lives on GameFAQS.com.

As you start the game, you get to pick from a cast of four heroes: some dude, a blond chick, a sentient robot with a gun, and Fang. And just to put it out there: Fang is a bad ass.

He is a cyborg werewolf soldier with a mini-gun for a hand, stylin' shades, and enough denim and chest hair to be the king of the 1970s.

Summary: You want to pick Fang.

...for picking the most savage Contra character ever.

Then you go shoot some guys, and die a billion times in the process. Contra: Hard Corps is a very busy game, with explosions, body parts, and glowy, flashy, death orbs flying everywhere, all the time. But in time-honored fashion, shooting continuously while running forward will get you to the bosses without too much of a problem. The bosses, however, are EVIL.

Some are robots with giant spiked death balls, others shoot laser beams and bouncing bombs, some do both. Their patterns are complicated, as they have at least three different attacks, and the window to safety is small and closes instantly. Some are nearly impossible to avoid as you have a split second to slide-dash through the attack to not get hurt. One of the later bosses has a main attack that is literally impossible to avoid as far as I can tell.

But without worrying about lives (Just use the code), these bosses are amazing. Some pop out at you from waterfalls and manipulate the bridge you are walking on. Some chase you down a highway, from behind, in a pseudo-3D fashion. And some of them are Mother Brain on acid. But all of them die to some really kick-ass music.

Don't pass on the left, wanker. (British joke)

For the first half of the game, you have a choice between two paths after a level. The choices never effect the ending, but they do provide slightly different stages and alternate boss fights. This improves the replay factor, and the game NEEDS a replay factor. My girlfriend and I beat the entire game in about 40 minutes, but then again, we were cheating. I assume if you wanted to play the game honestly, you could sink more hours into Contra: Hard Corps then those poor souls who beat the latest Final Fantasy. You know- people who hate themselves.

Half-an-hour later, the world was safe.

Get a friend, get infinite lives code, take a sip of beer every time you die, be trashed before you beat level 3. That is Contra: Hard Corps. It's fun.

Review: Mechwarrior 4: Mercenaries (Single Player)

I <3 Mech games. And the Battletech: Mechwarrior franchise is the one responsible. I spent many a hour as a youngling, strapped into my PC's command couch, earning C-Bills in Mechwarrior 2: Mercenaries. So when I learned that Mechwarrior 4: Mercenaries was entirely FREE and easily downloadable from MekTek, I jumped all over it. It's a delicious cake of  ferro-fibrous armor, with a PPC filling, and dotted with Streak-SRM gumdrops; however, it's a small cake, so you will still be hungry when it's gone.

Mechwarrior 4: Mercenaries (MERKS4) features the gameplay modes franchise veterans will expect: Instant Action with various options of enemy waves and numbers, multiplayer, and the Campaign. The thrill of owning my own mercenary group is what I love so much in the the first Mercenaries, so I jumped right into the story line. I was instantly disappointed.

In MERKS4, you do not get to create you own mercenary unit, instead you merely become a company of a well-known canon unit. While your finances and operations remain entirely independent, it takes the "oomph" out of the player ownership to not be able to name your own unit (and make a cool insignia.) The four different unit choices offer slightly different inventories at the beginning of the game, and increase the chances of certain technologies becoming available in the store later. Yet the variety ends there, as the missions are the same, the storyline is the same, and mission salvage will make most anything you can buy from the shop superfluous.

"Another victory for my side over the other side!)

The timeline is set during the FedCom civil war, a point in Battletech history when the largest political entity in the known universe is splitting in half in a King Lear-ish fashion. This may seem exciting, but its not, as you only have two different factions to fight against, the Lyran Commonwealth or the Federated Suns. In the first MERKS, the game was set in the much more volatile 3rd Succession War, where-in all seven of the major factions were in combat, providing a huge number of mission variety. Throw in the Clan Invasion, and you had a stunning campaign with great replay-ability. In MERKS4, you eventually get to make a choice to pick a side late in the game, and you gain access to perhaps 2 or 3 different missions (and the Clans only exist as a side-note.)

Also: it's damn short, perhaps 5 hours (depending on how much time you spend in the mech-lab altering load-outs.) What I wouldn't give for a campaign tool-set! I could make this game into an EPIC!

So the story is lamer, and the campaign less dynamic than the original- what, then, does MERKS4 have going for it? Thankfully: gameplay.

The missions and combat sequences are incredibly fun to play, your mech lumbers along over the landscape, your vision blinds a little as you fire long-range missiles at enemies, and you HUD frazzles as your mech begins to overheat or you take a lightning blast from a PPC. The game FEELS Battletech. The speed is just right, and gone is the FPS insta-shooting found in Mechwarrior 3. Instead, the targeting cross-hairs move sluggishly over the screen as your 80-ton war machine attempts to bring weapons to bear- your aim is skewed as you take hits, throwing off your mech's balance. Any fan of the (mostly atrocious) Battletech novels will love the authenticity of MERKS4's experience.

I favor the first-person view.

Accompanying you on your soldier-of-fortune quest are seven other pilots whom you can hire and place in the mechs you are not currently killing people with.  Most have great sounding voices, but they do repeat the same sayings continuously (and the player-character's voice is downright stupid.) Still, there is a certain satisfaction entering a mission and seeing your 8 war-machines lumber into battle. There is much LESS satisfaction when you try to get those morons to actually fight. MERKS4 provides an adequate system for ordering your teammates around; however, they have real problems navigating the game's terrain. A simple matter of turning and accelerating takes them a good 10 or so seconds to figure out, so your once tight formation stretches out into a sandpeople-esque single-file line. A wonderful formation for feeding your units to the enemy one-by-one.

And you NEED your teammates.  There are no health packs, no repair bays (except a single early mission where you don't even need it.) Once you are damaged, you stay that way for the rest of the mission, and when you begin running into 80 and 100-ton behemoths that carry enough firepower to rip through your mech in two shots- this is an issue. It's highly frustrating to get to the last fight in the mission (always the hardest fight) in tattered armor. BANG. One shot. Ooops, you're dead. You have to start over from the beginning. LULZ!

BOOM! LULZ!

So what does any self-respecting mercenary captain do in this situation? Order your teammates to move ahead of you to every target and soak up the damage! Thus, after waiting around for the dumb-asses to figure out how to navigate over a hill, you follow them in as they wander into the enemy forces like lemmings. Luckily, they are much more skilled at shooting, so they will envelope the enemy team in a firefight and you can bring up the rear, unnoticed, and deliver wanton destruction without taking much in the way of return fire. Since the mission only ends when you die, you need to stay alive.

As I read back over this gameplay description, I have to say that MERKS4 is a solid game, even better for the price of nothing. But true fans of the franchise will find its repetitive style much more palatable.

To add in some missing details: the audio is great, especially the music, but the main character's voice is straight obnoxious. The graphics are last-decade, but if you need something that runs smoothly on an integrated graphics card, this is a game you can turn to.

Altogether, Mechwarrior 4: Mercenaries feels like an expansion pack to Mechwarrior 4, not really it's own game. It's not long enough, and frankly, it feels a little half-assed.

Game Review: Star Wars Jedi Academy

Living in a foreign country with a laptop featuring an Intel integrated graphics card is a frustrating experience. In such a situation, having a dual core processor and two GB of RAM is akin to having a canteen with a hole in it, in a desert. I could potentially run a great number of advanced games only a few years old, but in reality, my options are much more limited because Intel is garbage.

Baaa baaa Buh Buh Buh Baaa baa

So after reading through some top games lists at various PC gaming sites, I decided to try Star Wars Jedi Academy: A third-person action game filled with ptchew!, pxxxshhh!, and xxshhht! (Blaster, extending saber, and sheathing saber respectively.) You can also go first person and shoot blaster rifles, but since many of your foes are force users, only those who want to play the game from a Stormtrooper's point of view will use this mode; For the first time in a Star Wars game,players can experience an enemy reflecting every shot back into their face before being effortlessly cut in half. Amazing!

But you're a Jedi, and you favor weapons from a more civilized age.

The game begins with you and a number of padawan wannabes heading for Dantooine to learn the Force. You can pick from a few races and faces to customize your Jedi, but there is only one voice for each gender. So you could be a blond-haired underwear model or a squid face, and still have the same generic young adult voice. I figured a squid thing would gurgle a little like Dr. Zoidberg, but not in that galaxy far, far away.

You're quickly dropped into some combat, and luckily you already have a lightsaber. Combat in the game is a bit like Diablo in that you click to swing your lightsaber around in arcs of neon death. By moving in different directions, crouching, and jumping in various combinations, a handful of Force-o-rific moves become available. Most of these are a lot of fun to use on Stormtroopers and other blaster-wielding foes (See: fodder.) But with the high damage lightsabers cause, even to sith masters, saber duels tend to end in one or two hits, so frantically attacking left and right is one of the most effective combat techniques.

Another day at the office.

Killing an enemy force-user is immensely satisfying. The game goes into slow motion as your saber scythes through flesh and bone to a sweet shriek of shock and pain. Of course, the same thing happens when you die, and the experience is much less enjoyable. And this happens a lot, especially near the end of the game when the sith begin appearing in large quantities. When you can go from 100% health to dramatic death scene in less than a second, the quicksave and quickload features become an absolute godsend if you don't want to replay levels a maddening amount of times.

The other tool of the Jedi Apprentice is the Force. A core set of automatically improving powers give you the well-known advantages of Jedi training: super jumps, deflecting blaster shots, sixth sense, Force push, and Force pull. This list of powers is for navigating the game's many missions. Pulling the odd lever here, pushing a Stormtrooper off into an endless abyss there, and jumping over the occasional pool of bubbling lava.

After each mission, you are able to pick from a selection of other powers  from either the Light and Dark sides of the Force. Goodies like Force Lightning, the Vader Choke, super speed, healing, damage Shields, etc. The last two are particularly useful for surviving missions, as health packs are generally few and far between. The powers many might view as "fun" (See: Dark Side powers) are generally only useful against Force-less rabble, as sith will happily tear you apart with their sabers as you attempt to use the force on them.

Lightsaber use also changes once you become a Jedi Knight about halfway through the game. You can choose to keep your single saber (and be able to switch between three different fighting styles,)take up a second saber with duel-wield, or learn to avoid cutting your own head off with the Darth Maul special (Count Dooko's limp noodle is only for the elderly and impotent.) You can be any sort of Jedi you want. However, you never get a chance to change your mind.

The game's missions are well varied, so while you are wading through swarms of enemies with your glowing blade, it rarely gets dull. Some are the standard run-an-slaughter, others have you fleeing an angry rancor, riding on speeder bikes, and most any other Star Wars cliche` you can manage (you even go to Hoth!) The storyline is linear, and the ending is lackluster (main enemy looks like a LucasArts King Koopa,) Though at one point you get to make the obligatory choice between Light side and Dark side. I chose to remain a Jedi, but I assume the other choice alters the last few levels in some way.

The music is Star Wars, as are the sound effects. What else needs to be said? The graphics are pleasing enough for a game that was released almost a decade ago. And I did not have internet at the time to see if anyone even plays the multiplayer anyway, but I am pretty confident it is long dead and empty. Altogether, Jedi Academy is a great game to play around with while you are waiting for the next new release to occupy you. That is, if you can find yourself a copy of it anywhere.

I.P.'s That Need The Lazarus Treatment

Nostalgia is a powerful force in the movie industry, and with the success of DLC services like Xbox Live and PSN selling small games digitally, this form of profiteering is mainstream in the game industry! Developers are reviving many of the old classics, not just for relaunch, but for a complete reconstruction: Bionic Commando, Shadow Complex (i.e. classic Metroid), and Space Invaders, just to name a few. The graveyard of our industry's history is full of things best left decomposed, but here are five diamonds in the rough which dominate the idealized memories of my past.

Featuring one of gaming's most charismatic protagonists: Yellow Ant.

 Look: Cities are boring. Ants are where it's at. SimAnt featured an unique simulation experience wherein players controlled the destiny of an ant empire through the heroic efforts of a yellow ant. By virtue of its unnatural color, Yellow Ant could make obnoxious whistling sounds and summon vast swarms of arthropods  to collect food, fight spiders, and commit glorious genocide against the reds! It was a game made for pro-McCarthy Entomologists!

Ants and Pac-man have similar diets.

In modern times, the entertainment value of this classic would never hop the bar set by today's IPs. But there is plenty of room for innovation here. Imagine, if you will, trading the top-down view of classic GTA for a GoW-style, over-the-thorax third-person look at life in your backyard. Envision the thrill of charging a swarm of red ants, or wasps, or grasshoppers with a brigade of your fellow mandibled killers! Part God of War battler, part RTS, part Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and part Animal Planet! YES! This game would have it all!

I want one of these in real life.

Next! Let's talk racing! One of the most creative racing games to come out of the PSX generation was the Jet Moto IP. They were basically Star Wars speeder bikes with a motocross feel. Their ability to hover graced the game with a flexibility of terrain generally not available to other racers. Ocean, broken highway, and sandy beach could all be found on one track! The sense of speed was excellent, and the other innovation of grappling towers, large poles you could hook a laser wire to in order to whip-lash yourself around tight turns, made this game a real blast.

I remember when these graphics were good.

Today, it just isn't enough to race. You need to shoot things, blow up parts of the track, or give the other driver cancer in order to capture the player's attention. So you need something along those lines. Personally, I like the idea of giving one thumb stick over to downward thrust, thus controlling your altitude over the track. This could be manipulated to maximize a run, avoid hazards, and potentially attack other players. Throw in machine guns, tricks, and the ability to pull people off their bikes with your grappler device, and you have yourself a real modern racer.

Introduced gamers to chains.

Who doesn't remember Road Rash? The iconic motorcycle racing game where most races ended up being a desperate battle for survival. Could you make it to the end of the race without your motorcycle finally exploding from all the wrecks? Would you crash within reach of the rather short arm of the law, and be wearing a pin-stripe flag instead of zooming under a checkered one? Could you avoid coming in last place after your 120kph crash sent you flying 2.5km from your motorcycle, while other racers mercilessly attempt to run you down as you huff it back? 

Look at those mountains!

Unlike Jet Moto, Road Rash has everything it needs to make a glorious return to modern gaming. It already has combat! Punch a dude off his bike! Steal his 2x4 and then knock him off his bike! Give him an encouraging kick into an oncoming Ford Taurus (PSX version)! It's all game, baby! Hell, six-year-olds were taking out police officers in this game years before GTA ever hit the shelves!

All we need is some great graphics, you know, something like the Burnout series. Add in a multiplayer system like Blur but with the biker bar ambiance of the PSX Road Rash 3D. A dash of character, perhaps some storyline, bike and rider customization. Boom. You have a best-selling game ready to roll! (Or combine with Jet Moto?)

Shouting men and bulging veins. It had it all.

First person, third person, the shooting genre is saturated with these games. It's ready for a reboot of this cult classic game! You control a squad of four soldiers and attempt to kill the other team by riddling them with bullets and turning them to piles of ash.. The game plays out like NBA jam in the way you can switch characters to control, and all you can really do is shoot.. You have one attack, and you try to kill someone with it while navigating an obstacle heavy battlefield. It had charm! It had fun! And it had co-op!

Seal Team 6's daring raid is fully recreated!

Easily rebooted as a Live Arcade release, this game just need a graphics overhaul and a few new tweaks to the gameplay. Perhaps a few more classes, some airstrikes or something, give each class three abilities (offense, defense, and utility,) and make each teammate playable by a human over the internet. Boom, you have a multiplayer sensation just waiting to happen!

Sentience first. Then justice.

Man, oh, man! This was the single most interesting beat-em-up to ever grace the classic consoles. You could customize your fighter with a variety of body parts, determining your special attacks, abilities, and statistics. Not only that, but you could ruthlessly dismember enemies at any time during the game. Like that guy's saw blade hand? Rip it off and put it on! Need some jumping legs to cross the giant chasm that makes you waste like a billion lives on 1-1? You know, the blatant design flaw that otherwise ruins an amazing game right at the start? Well, you might be able to steal them, but the chasm is still AS BIG AS THE DAMN SCREEN so you won't ever make it before you die in just the right way to spawn on the other side!

Administering justice, a 2v2 at a time.

Anyway, despite the memories of a single level that stuck with me for 14 years, the game is ready for a serious reboot. You will definitely need some better level design, but I don't think you can stray from the side-scrolling gameplay without ruining the spirit of the game you are trying to remake. Definitely want to upgrade the graphics, add more selection to the robot parts, and add combos and perhaps exp points to upgrade your cyborg systems to give it the Castle Crashers flair that was so successful. The you'll have an arcade game that will sell well to people with roommates.

Okay people who actually have game making ability. Get to work!

CoD4 vs. BF3 (A comparison piece that is not an advertisement)

As an avid Call of Duty fan, an E3 season usually finds be hopping from site to site, hunting out new tidbits of Modern Warfare 3 data. On good days, I find a few articles that tell me stuff I already know in new and interesting ways. Much of the entertainment I receive from this daily ritual is the omnipresent fanboy rage wars that occur in the comment sections, most often over the controversial Elite service being touted by Activison.

But since both the EA and Activison social services will offer the same features for the same price of free, any rhetoric between the two is akin to genetic twins arguing over who has a bigger penis.

Still, there seems to be a general consensus that Call of Duty and Battlefield are in competition for the top-dog FPS spot this coming year. I found this confusing, as I always considered these games to be of entirely different genres:

Call of Duty follows the Quake tradition of an arcady FPS while tacking on minor vehicle support in the form of Killstreak rewards.

Battlefield follows the Twisted Metal tradition of vehicular combat and destructible environments while tacking on minor FPS support in the form of moving, man-shaped targets for the tanks, jets, helicopters, and jeeps to aim for.

It seems I was mistaken. But we all have our preferences, and I think mine are now obvious. But this is my main point, Call of Duty and Battlefield are DIFFERENT GAMES filling DIFFERENT NICHES. No one is actually arguing which IP is better, they are advocating their preferred type of game in an asshole way.


BF: 64-24 Player Battles
A chaotic game on large maps

COD: 8-16 Player Battles(If MW2 standards are followed).
A stop-and-go skirmish on small maps.


BF: Class-based Character System
You will generally have more things to do in a battle than just kill people. a.k.a Variety

COD: No Classes
You're only job is to shoot people with a gun. a.k.a. Specialization


BF: Expansive Motor Pool
Can't wait to get in a jet to shoot jets and hapless soldiers. Or a tank to shoot tanks and hapless soldiers. etc. a.k.a. Capitalism (Haves superior to Havenots)

-or/and-

I'm just a dude and I'm gonna kill a tank! a.k.a. The David vs. Goliath, The Underdog Victory

COD: Infantry Only
I'm a soldier. He's a soldier. I have a gun. He has a gun. a.k.a. Socialism, Equality


It is obvious these are two entirely different games. Gamers are being fooled by their similar skins. Like how a sea turtle and a land turtle both have shells- Yes, both games have a pseudo-modern war setting. But like the SHELL that covers both kinds of turtles, the similarity between the two games ends there.

NOTE TO ZOOLOGISTS: Leave my analogy alone, you get the idea.