I have a disease: alt-itis. I cannot keep my attention on a single character in the Blizzard cash-cow, World of Warcraft. As a result, a great deal of my past was spent in the low-level areas of Azeroth.I knew every quest so well, I could accomplish the quests from level 1 to level 6 in around a half-hour for any of the races. At being a noob, I am an expert.
W.o.W's new expansion, Cataclysm, advertised an entirely redesigned low-level experience. In fact, it is this feature which most excited me about the new expansion (though I must say I am excited for the Goblins and Wargen) because I would no longer be bored to tears as I bounced around different characters. My expansive knowledge of the opening sequences for each race will be useful in comparing the past versions of the zones to the Cataclysm versions.
For my first foray back into Azeroth, I chose to create an Orc Mage. The idea of a erudite orc amused me, and I thought of how a fight between an orc arcanist and an orc warrior would begin in a bar. Drinking would commence, someone would spill something, words would be said, and then someone would probably spontaneously ignite into a raging inferno. Nice.
The racial opening cinematic is new, explaining the succession of leadership in the Horde. I became excited for a Valley of Trials equally effected by the passage of time. Then the camera flew to my new orc standing in front of a bonfire I knew quite well. My heart sank.
Outside of small changes in quest text, the Valley of Trials is much as it was these last six years. There are a few new items, noticeably some level 1 human NPCs for a basic kill-x amount of creatures quest, and also some farms were present. However, in these farms are the very same boars I killed before. In fact, only the addition of that one new quest with the humans and a go-find-the-NPC lead-in to the Sarkoth quest are noticeable differences.
Helpfully, the Quest-giving NPCs were re-arranged to promote the same efficiency of tasks that I learned from hard practice (you need to wake up the peons before going into the cave so you have all the quests for that location.) But again, not the drastic change I was hoping for.
The Valley of Trials does the job of introducing new orcs to the harsh land of Kalimdor, but for anyone who explored the area before, there is nothing of particular interest. With an air of disappointment, my orc continued out into the wider lands of Duratar to find greater adventure.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Super Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (SNES 1994)
I might not be cut out for this retro gaming review business. Or I might not be the gamer I used to be. I don't know. But I can't help but think that Lucas Arts and Victor Interactive Software hired warlocks to summon some daemon from the lower levels of hell to help them design this 1994 game. Then, in its infernal cruelty, it disguised its creation with a thin vainer of Star Wars imagery and sound effects. Drawn to the game like flies to the slippery-sweet cup of a flytrap, Jedi fan-boys subject their minds to devious tortures, and they think they enjoy every second of it.
While featuring impressive animation and sound effects when compared to other games of its generation, Super Return of the Jedi fails to provide an enjoyable game experience because of poor level design and mindless enemy placement.
To start: A rarity in early generation action-adventure games, the main characters of Return of the Jedi are able to block; however, this advantage is soured by the placement of enemies in the game world. At any given time, there will be about three enemies attacking you, one from the left, one from the right, and probably one from above for good measure. You can block the attack from in front of you, and you will eat the attacks from the other two direction. This will occur every ten seconds. You will die. You will die a lot. And when you die, you start at the nearest checkpoint, which is usually a great distance away. Replay value is not an issue, as you will enjoy each section of every level perhaps 10 times before you decide to just forget the enemies and jump your away over everything to the next checkpoint.
Another innovative aspect to this adventure game is the ability to pick different characters. This seems like a cool idea, but in function, Luke is the only character you are probably going to want to play. Some of the characters shoot (Han and Chewie), but they can only fire in five directions, and your enemies are nearly impossible to hit with straight-line attacks. Other melee characters are simply a joke when compared to the speed and reach of Luke's lightsaber.
Even with a Game Genie giving you infinite lives, the constant restarting turns the game into a monotonous chore. You'll need infinite shields, too (immortality), to squeeze an ounce of fun out of the experience. But since the levels are designed without any real sense of purpose (the Tatooine level consists of countless stones floating in mid-air?) you can fall to your death at several points in any given level, forcing a restart. So even as an immortal Jedi-god, you have to play the game like Mario, patiently waiting for moving platforms.
Summary: Remember that time you threw your controller against the wall in frustration and broke it? This was probably that game.
Score: If you hate yourself, this game might be a better choice than knives because it doesn't leave visible scars.
While featuring impressive animation and sound effects when compared to other games of its generation, Super Return of the Jedi fails to provide an enjoyable game experience because of poor level design and mindless enemy placement.
To start: A rarity in early generation action-adventure games, the main characters of Return of the Jedi are able to block; however, this advantage is soured by the placement of enemies in the game world. At any given time, there will be about three enemies attacking you, one from the left, one from the right, and probably one from above for good measure. You can block the attack from in front of you, and you will eat the attacks from the other two direction. This will occur every ten seconds. You will die. You will die a lot. And when you die, you start at the nearest checkpoint, which is usually a great distance away. Replay value is not an issue, as you will enjoy each section of every level perhaps 10 times before you decide to just forget the enemies and jump your away over everything to the next checkpoint.
Another innovative aspect to this adventure game is the ability to pick different characters. This seems like a cool idea, but in function, Luke is the only character you are probably going to want to play. Some of the characters shoot (Han and Chewie), but they can only fire in five directions, and your enemies are nearly impossible to hit with straight-line attacks. Other melee characters are simply a joke when compared to the speed and reach of Luke's lightsaber.
Even with a Game Genie giving you infinite lives, the constant restarting turns the game into a monotonous chore. You'll need infinite shields, too (immortality), to squeeze an ounce of fun out of the experience. But since the levels are designed without any real sense of purpose (the Tatooine level consists of countless stones floating in mid-air?) you can fall to your death at several points in any given level, forcing a restart. So even as an immortal Jedi-god, you have to play the game like Mario, patiently waiting for moving platforms.
Summary: Remember that time you threw your controller against the wall in frustration and broke it? This was probably that game.
Score: If you hate yourself, this game might be a better choice than knives because it doesn't leave visible scars.
Alien vs. Predator (SNES 1993)
Yes, the old days of cartridges and double-digit bits. Not quite the good ole' days, but at least the days when I was young, innocent, and incapable of differentiating quality software from a pile of shit. I think it's fitting that I begin my video game review blog with Alien vs. Predator, a 1993 ghost from Activision. After all, if my first bob for a septic apple comes up with this corn in the log, then surely the rest of the fruit must at least be edible.
I don't remember 1993. Probably because I was six. But when I first loaded up AvP, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was the sort of game that; after waiting all week for a chance to rent a video game on Friday, you leave the video store in a haze of childish excitement to get home, only to get there and discover that you did not, in fact, rent a game, but a strange sort of torture device designed to lure children, and then in the midst of that sore swelling of terrific disappointment building just below your eyes, you wonder if you can convince your parents to take you back to the video store so your weekend wouldn't be a complete loss.
Ah yes, childhood.
Alien vs. Predator is a side-scrolling beat-em-up in the long tradition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Double Dragon, and Battletoads. Due to horrendous gameplay, lazy graphic design, pathetic sound, and utter lack of ingenuity, AvP might deserve the honor of the worst side-scroller ever created for the Super Nintendo.
I will do my best to describe the gameplay; though, I am not entirely sure you can give this... this... thing the title of "game." Masochistic exercise would probably be more accurate. You play as a Predator, or since there is only one character model, the Predator. You are on Vega 4, and you are hunting Aliens. You can punch Aliens, you can jumpkick Aliens, and you can slidetackle Aliens like some kind of interstellar soccer star. You can also shoot them with your shoulder-cannon. The cannon charges, but a short charge and a long charge do the same amount of damage. You can super charge your cannon, unleashing an ion-strike from the sky frying everything on the screen, even you. The standard life-eating special attack. There are two weapons to pick up, but you throw both of them, and a stealth generator which makes your avatar invisible, forcing you spend most of the powerup time trying to figure out where you are in relation to the enemies, punching the air.
It's about what you would expect from an early beat-em-up like this, but the problem is the game's enemies. There are four of them, and the same attacks you are dodging in the first level will be dodged, by you, on the last level. Though since the Predator can only walk, "dodging" generally means "getting smacked to the ground." The enemies attack the same way every time, ignoring one of their two dimensions (up and down), and often stacking up for a group beat down. At then end of your only combo, the Aliens fly to the ground, the screen shakes, and then they fly off the screen. You can then slide tackle into the side of the screen to continuously hit the Aliens at no risk. Still, its a slow process, but when you let the Aliens back on screen to give them a chance, the first hit you deliver will send them flying off the screen in the other direction. The entire game turns into a weird version of that smack-the-alligator game at Chuck E. Cheese, each of your foes retreating after the smallest scratch.
The bosses add variety, but they are incredibly cheap. They will destroy you, and there is nothing you can really do about it. Game Genie, the savior of many a day for its ability to turn bad games into loads of fun, is almost a necessity here if you ever want to beat AvP. You will need unlimited lives, as each subsequent boss becomes cheaper than the last; finally reaching the Super Punch Out level when the last boss can take you from full life to death in a single, inescapable combo.
I have a suspicion I might be the first person to beat this game, in the entire world, in the last decade.
The game looks like it was cobbled together with mspaint. The character sprites are clunky and stiff, and they walk past the same background six or more times each level. As I said before, there are only four different enemy models, so the game is as boring to look at as it is to play. To add injury to insult, the screen bounces every time a character falls to the ground, and characters fall to the ground all the time. It's like playing the game in the back of a school bus.
There is little sound to speak of in this title. A few generic punching noises, a crashing fall, and music that your brain quickly filters out in favor of more interesting noises, like the steady hum of an electric fan, for example. The greatest crime is the lack of the trademark alien noise. It's like they didn't even try.
Quick recap: Alien vs. Predator is generic and sub-par in every way.
Score: If it were the only game left in the known universe... read a book.
I don't remember 1993. Probably because I was six. But when I first loaded up AvP, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was the sort of game that; after waiting all week for a chance to rent a video game on Friday, you leave the video store in a haze of childish excitement to get home, only to get there and discover that you did not, in fact, rent a game, but a strange sort of torture device designed to lure children, and then in the midst of that sore swelling of terrific disappointment building just below your eyes, you wonder if you can convince your parents to take you back to the video store so your weekend wouldn't be a complete loss.
Ah yes, childhood.
Alien vs. Predator is a side-scrolling beat-em-up in the long tradition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Double Dragon, and Battletoads. Due to horrendous gameplay, lazy graphic design, pathetic sound, and utter lack of ingenuity, AvP might deserve the honor of the worst side-scroller ever created for the Super Nintendo.
I will do my best to describe the gameplay; though, I am not entirely sure you can give this... this... thing the title of "game." Masochistic exercise would probably be more accurate. You play as a Predator, or since there is only one character model, the Predator. You are on Vega 4, and you are hunting Aliens. You can punch Aliens, you can jumpkick Aliens, and you can slidetackle Aliens like some kind of interstellar soccer star. You can also shoot them with your shoulder-cannon. The cannon charges, but a short charge and a long charge do the same amount of damage. You can super charge your cannon, unleashing an ion-strike from the sky frying everything on the screen, even you. The standard life-eating special attack. There are two weapons to pick up, but you throw both of them, and a stealth generator which makes your avatar invisible, forcing you spend most of the powerup time trying to figure out where you are in relation to the enemies, punching the air.
It's about what you would expect from an early beat-em-up like this, but the problem is the game's enemies. There are four of them, and the same attacks you are dodging in the first level will be dodged, by you, on the last level. Though since the Predator can only walk, "dodging" generally means "getting smacked to the ground." The enemies attack the same way every time, ignoring one of their two dimensions (up and down), and often stacking up for a group beat down. At then end of your only combo, the Aliens fly to the ground, the screen shakes, and then they fly off the screen. You can then slide tackle into the side of the screen to continuously hit the Aliens at no risk. Still, its a slow process, but when you let the Aliens back on screen to give them a chance, the first hit you deliver will send them flying off the screen in the other direction. The entire game turns into a weird version of that smack-the-alligator game at Chuck E. Cheese, each of your foes retreating after the smallest scratch.
The bosses add variety, but they are incredibly cheap. They will destroy you, and there is nothing you can really do about it. Game Genie, the savior of many a day for its ability to turn bad games into loads of fun, is almost a necessity here if you ever want to beat AvP. You will need unlimited lives, as each subsequent boss becomes cheaper than the last; finally reaching the Super Punch Out level when the last boss can take you from full life to death in a single, inescapable combo.
I have a suspicion I might be the first person to beat this game, in the entire world, in the last decade.
The game looks like it was cobbled together with mspaint. The character sprites are clunky and stiff, and they walk past the same background six or more times each level. As I said before, there are only four different enemy models, so the game is as boring to look at as it is to play. To add injury to insult, the screen bounces every time a character falls to the ground, and characters fall to the ground all the time. It's like playing the game in the back of a school bus.
There is little sound to speak of in this title. A few generic punching noises, a crashing fall, and music that your brain quickly filters out in favor of more interesting noises, like the steady hum of an electric fan, for example. The greatest crime is the lack of the trademark alien noise. It's like they didn't even try.
Quick recap: Alien vs. Predator is generic and sub-par in every way.
Score: If it were the only game left in the known universe... read a book.
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